see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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