If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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