Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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