why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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