I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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