did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
