Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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