If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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