meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
