when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
