i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
