My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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