They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
