Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
