He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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