I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
