Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
