see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
In America we eat man semen.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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