Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
