Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
