just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
