fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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