I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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