I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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