Got a toothbrush?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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