apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
