hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
