Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
