I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
