Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
