I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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