Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
