You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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