I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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