i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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