No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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