it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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