My hand turned me down
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
