the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
