I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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