the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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