Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
