I puked a lego.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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