I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
