i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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