My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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