He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
