I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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