if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
