I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
