At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
