this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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