i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
