I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
50% drunk capacity currently
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
