dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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