Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
