The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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