just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
