There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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